In April 12, 2016, I felt very ill. My husband was home at the time and it was a blessing as I passed out twice and he was there to catch me before I hit the floor (my 2 boys were at the house with me). We weren’t sure why I was fainting and having a lot of pain, but knowing we didn’t have health insurance made us wait for a day. I did feel better the more I laid down and relaxed though. My husband found some affordable insurance that ended up not really being insurance (or covered by the hospitals we went to). On the 13th, we went to our PCP and I had a positive pregnancy test. The doctor then asked us to go to the hospital for a sonogram to check on the status of the baby.
At the hospital, there was a lot of fluid, but no sign of a baby. I was told to wait in the ER waiting for my OBGYN to come. I was not really informed of what was going on. My 2 boys ages 4 and 2 were with me in the waiting room along with my husband. When my OBGYN arrived, she informed us that I would need emergency surgery to remove the issue that they saw on the sonogram. I cried so much to know I had a baby and lost it all in one day. It is very difficult for me to get pregnant as it is.
I needed to stay in the hospital overnight as the surgery was done at 5:00 pm. I was release the next day without seeing the doctor or knowing what was done (yes, I could have called, bu that is not what you want to do after a miscarriage/surgery). I found out at my follow up appointment a week later. They did not see any trace of a baby and the right side of my reproductive organs were ruptured and needed removed. It was done by laparoscopy.
The rest of the year was a depressing blur for me. While I knew I was blessed to have my 2 boys and my husband, I couldn’t help but feel cheated. Cheated out of my baby, cheated out of good health care, and cheated over life in general. I didn’t want to go on. I couldn’t get out of the fog. I was mad at God, but I knew I shouldn’t be and that He was in control. He has given me everything I have and more and I was still mad that He had taken this baby away from me. I couldn’t see why He would let this happen and maybe I never will.
I didn’t care about anything for the rest of the year. We didn’t really do many fun activities. My boys didn’t do Halloween because I didn’t want to/have the energy to do it (that is 6 months after the miscarriage). We were also having finance issues with the hospital as they didn’t work with our insurance as it was out of network and our insurance dropped us after 3 months of having it in April. They also wouldn’t accept a payment plan unless it had interest tacked onto it. My husband was out of work from February to August and we were living off my 30 hour a week income and savings we had.
Luckily I did get out of my depression slowly but surely. My family helped in more ways than they know, my essential oils would help at times, and then I had God. He never gave up on me even when I gave up on Him. I may never know why God had this happen to me, and I think about our unborn child all the time. But I do have peace knowing that my baby is in Heaven right now and I will see him/her some day.